e-memories

2012-01-31T12:33:00.004+11:00

我不喜欢你，因为我很喜欢以前的自己。
我放不下，十九年来的自己。

和感情一样，因为我选择了你，所以让你慢慢的，改变了我。
顺应你的要求，把自己变成一个你想要的人。

我不喜欢你，因为选择了你，我必须心甘情愿的改变自己。

2012-01-31T11:01:00.004+11:00

i like personality analysis.
because the explanation page talks to you.
because finally someone understands you, better than any living person does.

it sounds pathetic,
but i like personality analysis.

2012-01-29T17:43:00.003+11:00

其实，你出不出现，都不要紧。
有更多我以为会出现的人，都没有出现。
早就应该料到，是我奢望你们会出现。
是我高估了自己。

2012-01-28T23:54:00.001+11:00

i cannot not hate you.
when you took everything of mine away.
when you took what i was proud of myself away from me.

when you took my empathy, when you took my passion, when you took all of my interests, when you even took my resistance against you, you know that i cannot not hate you.

that's right.
i like who i was, but not who i am.

2012-01-28T13:30:00.004+11:00

我，很想死。
我很自私。
你，不让我死。
其实，你也是自私。

2012-01-27T18:52:00.005+11:00

one day, you'll get used to the pain.
one day, i'll get used to the pain.

2012-01-25T22:40:00.005+11:00

被人伤害的感觉，很难受。
明知道会被伤害，还是重蹈覆辙的感觉，很难受。

同一个伤口，不会因为被刺的次数变多了，而变得不痛了。
为什么那么傻？还是一次又一次的任我伤害。

第一次，你可以原谅我的无知。
第二次，你可以原谅我的不负责任。
第三次，不要再回来，再给任何借口自己，来让我伤害你。

为什伤害你的和被你伤害的永远都不是同一个人？

2012-01-25T19:16:00.005+11:00

有一些事情，就是不一样了。
因为我们都长大了。

现在的我不会像以前一样傻。
你变了，我也变了。
大家成熟了，所以无法像以前一样。

五年前的我，常常都把一句话挂在嘴边：“能够傻，是一种幸福。”
因为有一天，不是我不想，而是没办法，维续这一份幸福。

有些人、有些事，不管怎么不一样了，长大以后，你还是会记得。

A letter to myself

2012-01-21T15:17:00.003+11:00

Dear Sook Yan,

Did you pick up anything - any lesson during the last whole year when you're pursuing your pre-university studies? What did you achieved, both academically and non-academically? Congratulations if you successfully reached your goals. If you failed, what were the mistakes? Are they from your own self or you interactions with the others?

No matter what you've achieved, you have to continue on. You chose the path, and you're gonna endure all the hardships and overcome the obstacles ahead. Be strong, be independent. Rely on yourself, but TRUST others... even though you're prone to disappointments. Learn and improve, wherever you're and you'll be.

Live well. Excel in your dreams. Fly and travel when you're winged.
Dream... when you still can.
Believe in fate. Believe in yourself.
Help others and help yourself.
Embrace every moment of life, be it happy or forlorn.

Remember this smile. ^^
Be HAPPY.

Yours sincerely,
Sook Yan

2012-01-18T01:02:00.004+11:00

很难过，因为你没有出现。
很难过，在我彷徨无助的时候，你没有再次出现。
很难过，因为过了那么久，失望了那么多次，我竟然还为你的没有出现，而难过。
最难过的是，我竟然还傻得以为，你还会在我面前出现。

我真的很讨厌你，为什么要在我难过的时候，让我看到令我更难过的事？
我更讨厌我自己，为什么要让自己雪上加霜，让自己更难过？

2012-01-17T20:18:00.004+11:00

和你扯锯了一整年，我没有力了。
没有力和你斗下去。
你放过我，我不想玩，也玩不起。

2012-01-15T14:21:00.003+11:00

I chose the millionaire.
I'll be choosing the millionaire, once again.

I thought the divorce matters, but it doesn't matter as much as the living support does.
I'll be choosing you again, even if you abuse me.

in order to gain, you have to lose.

2012-01-14T12:20:00.004+11:00

in a relationship, you go in as yourself, but come out as a completely different person.

just like love, there are friendships that you go in as a complete piece, but come out broken.

if someone hurts you, it doesn't mean that you have to hurt them back.
but you will never let them hurt you anymore.

2012-01-14T11:34:00.006+11:00

i just extremely hate you.
why can't your program structure be more flexible?
do you have a problem with students who suspended their studies?
you're extraordinarily despicable.

and i am naive enough to not have applied to another institution for credit transfer.
and stupid enough to not have known about it.

2012-01-13T00:55:00.003+11:00

why do people want a family?
why do people start a family?
how do children in a single-parent family grow up un-broken?
how do people even grow up?

i don't understand. i seriously don't.
if you're never ready, just go away, for God's sake.
don't start a family, because you simply want to, or because you're scared to be alone.
everyone is scared.
what makes you have the right - to not be scared?

2012-01-01T17:07:00.004+11:00

when you keep on imagining something, may be part of you want it to happen.
even though practically, you don't.

may be part of me, I want to come back.

2012-01-01T01:17:00.003+11:00

很难过，因为你慢慢的，把我的一部分拿走。
更难过的是，我让你那么做。

2011-12-31T14:13:00.002+11:00

Here is what I learned: Dead isn’t angels or ghosts. It’s a physical state of breakdown, a change in all those carbon atoms that create the temporary house of a body so that they can return to their most elemental stage.

I don’t really see why that freaks people out, since it’s the most natural cycle in the world.

The body in the coffin still looked like my grandfather. When I touched his cheek, though, with its crosshatched wrinkles, the skin no longer felt like human skin. It was cold, and slightly firm, like pudding that’s been left too long in the refrigerator and has developed a virtual hide as a surface crust.

I may not understand emotion, but I can feel guilt about not understanding it. So when I finally cornered my mother, hours after she ran sobbing from the sight of me poking The-Thing-That-Used-to-Be-My-Grandfather’s cheek, I tried to explain why she shouldn’t be crying. “He’s not Grandpa,” I told her. “I checked.”

Remarkably, this did not make her feel better at all. “That doesn’t mean I miss him any less,” my mother said.
Pure logic suggests that if the entity in the coffin is not fundamentally the person you used to know, you cannot miss him. Because that’s not a loss; that’s a change.

My mother had shaken her head. “Here’s what I miss, Jacob. I miss the fact that I won’t get to ever hear his voice again. And that I can’t talk to him anymore.”

This wasn’t really true. We had Grandpa’s voice immortalized on old family videos that I sometimes liked to watch when I couldn’t sleep at night. And it wasn’t that she couldn’t talk to him that was hard for her to accept; it was that he could no longer talk back.

My mother had sighed. “You’ll get it, one day. I hope.”

I would like to be able to tell her that, yes, now I get it. When someone dies, it feels like the hole in your gum when a tooth falls out. You can chew, you can eat, you have plenty of other teeth, but your tongue keeps going back to that empty place, where all the nerves are still a little raw.

2011-12-30T21:23:00.002+11:00

如果我可以不在意别人的眼光，不在意所有所有现实的问题，我会放弃，我会回来。
如果当初可以不在意，今天不会落得如斯田地。
如果现在可以不在意，我会心安理得，做出所有人会批评、痛责的决定。
如果以后可以不在意，我会过得很平淡，但幸福。

我没有用，因为我放不下虚荣，放不下好胜，更加放不下自尊。

2011-12-30T20:09:00.003+11:00

most of time, you're hurt because of something someone did to you.
sometimes, you're hurt because of what they didn't do.
when you expected them to.

2011-12-29T23:24:00.003+11:00

i see blood around my fingers everyday.
i see the skin peeling off.
i am not scared of the pain.

people who cut must have felt the same.
just more blood, and more pain.

2011-12-29T11:34:00.004+11:00

death is not a solution, but it's the fastest way to get rid or get out of your life.

people who cut just want to self-destruct, but not to die. if you're serious about suicide, don't cut your wrist, because it doesn't work. you will not watch yourself bleed to death, by the time the blood ooze out from the thin opening, you will start to call 999 because it is a hell lot of pain.

not only a pitiful way of dying, but also an ugly way.
you can see when you googled "cut my wrist".

people who cut are not stupid. they don't die, they have relief.
this is just one of the more effective ways to get carried away.

2011-12-29T00:58:00.000+11:00

another pathological mind.

instead of getting drunk, i will choose to straight away cut my wrist.
but i would not.
because i dun need anyone to pity me.

and i dun need to put a dot in such a pitiful way.

expansion of reality

2011-12-21T23:24:00.003+11:00

reality could be customized.

when i am unhappy, i do personality tests. i read blogs. i googled "fashion". i squeeze hard facts or lifeless data into my brain - to nullify the overwhelming sullenness.

i read about reality escapes from a computer scientist's blog on Xamuel.com, and he listed a hundred and interrelated them with reality expansion. learn to open. learn new things - foreign languages, sociology, criminology, political science, art, history, programming,etc. to illuminate more reality.

" your reality is the sum total of all the thing you're aware of. if you're unaware of something, it doesn't matter how important it is, it's not in your reality."

"Your biggest reality upgrades occur when things are surprising you, even shocking you."

... and this one.
i agree as well.
reality could be customized. my reality changed.

2011-12-17T22:18:00.003+11:00

i'm not a person who likes to tell.
when i do tell, i really mean it.
so when i say i am tired, it has long been doubled-up before i decide to put it into words.

i need to make sure my mum does not break down after my dad left because she has to take care of the household appliances and vehicles that consecutively went haywire, fetch everyone in the family, handle three meals a day which was my dad's job before this and, to crown it all, deal with everything she is unfamiliar with - alone.

i need to make sure my sister does not break down after my dad left because my mum doesn't treat her as fairly as she treat the other two children in the family, as what i know how my brother is being pampered at the moment.

i need to make sure my brother does not drive my mum insane. and i failed. terribly.

so, i'm really tired.

you want to say, that i can choose not to care so much. in fact, i can choose to ignore. and i agree.

but it is not time yet.

when it does, i won't regret.
and do not regret for asking me to.

Jung Test

2011-12-15T21:16:00.006+11:00

based on Jung Typology Test, this is my personality.

Your Type is
INFJ

Introverted	Intuitive	Feeling	Judging
Strength of the preferences %
78	50	38	11

Qualitative analysis of your type formula
You are:

very expressed introvert
moderately expressed intuitive personality
moderately expressed feeling personality
slightly expressed judging personality

very expressed introvert? that was probably the funniest phrase i've ever heard for a personality. and there are something funnier than the funniest, LOLOL. these are my career indicators as a follow-up: social worker, writer, librarian, lawyer, early childhood educator, psychotherapist/psychologist, counselor, designer and scientist. lots and lots of laughs. it was real fun.

i was categorized as under idealist, and of all the career options mentioned above, counselor crowned the rest.LOLOLOLz.

there are a list of names under INFJ type, and there are a few that i know - Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, Mathin Luther King, Jr., Emily Bronte, Carl Jung and Chaucer. http://typelogic.com/infj.html

it was really fun. and note: happy.
i do all kinds of psychological tests when i wasn't.
u can try it via this link as well : http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Have fun. :))

p/s: Carl Jung is a Swiss psychiatrist and my favourite psychology theorist that brought up archetypes, unconsciousness, dreams and alchemy. one of his quote:

"the meeting of 2 personality is like the content of 2 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."

i love design

2011-12-14T23:24:00.000+11:00

i used to love designing.

i punya artworks earlier this year before departing. :)

i'm proud of myself.
i'm proud of both my blogs - its contents and interface designs.
i'm proud of my artworks.
to top it off, i'm proud of my patience.

i used to love photoshop as well.
and my dad always love my drawings.
he reminds me of how much i do love design.

for 2012

2011-12-14T15:27:00.003+11:00

for the kids.

2011-12-06T23:19:00.006+11:00

reforms are hard, because people choose to live in an easier way.
revolutions are never easy.

while everyone is disappointed with the political chaos and PPSMI issues - just to name one - in the country, there's a glint of hope i saw when i was blog-walking today. it was a blog from a young law student from UM who, like many of the law students in the university, is a mean and somehow, brainy criticizer.

TEACH FOR MALAYSIA Program
www.teachformalaysia.org.
i dunno how will the outcome be, but i do know that - there's someone who does care.

about the country. about the youth.
about the children.

but, like i said, people choose to live an easier life.
it was fully understood why most of us choose not to care.

just want to say, may be it's not all bad to grow up.

2011-12-04T12:41:00.002+11:00

you're a brat.
a stupid selfish idiotic terrible nuisance.

and we're all too tired
to cane you back to the right path
- even to try to.

and i'm not blaming myself for ignoring you.
not anymore.

2011-12-04T01:37:00.003+11:00

it was easy to live as a budding teen.

all you have to do was to maintain A's on the scoreboard and to take part in as many ECAs as you feel like doing so.

it was fun - and happy.

i wish i could tell you how proud i'm for knowing- about insurance, banking, autopsy, death rituals, even changing tyre or dealing with snake - everything that you do not have to know if u did not grow up, or choose not to.

but i'm not.
because it is not fun, and not happy. at all.

if ignorance is a bliss, count your blessings.

2011-11-28T21:22:00.003+11:00

people who commit suicide are not stupid - they are selfish, but you are of no rights to blame them because you are as selfish.

everyone is selfish, but using death as a way to grab attention or to get away - they are just less fortunate.

they are unfortunate,
because death is the only way
after everything else fail.

you're of no rights to blame them either, because you are much fortunate.

2011-11-28T00:12:00.005+11:00

exactly two weeks ago, i was on the plane now. eight hours of plane and two days of rituals straight after. i was in denial and anger.

life is much simpler when i was small, but it doesn't mean that life would be easier without growing up. next time, when someone's in grief, i can tell them - that it is fine to get angry at life. it is okay to be not positive when bad things happen.

because one day, it will end.
it will have to end. one day.
so, it's alright to be furious, even at god.

we can't deny forever. we accept, we cherish, and we go on.
and by that time, you are not angry anymore.

I know you love me.
and i love you as well.
bless you.

grief

2011-11-13T18:59:00.001+11:00

denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance.

x'mas gift

2011-11-07T07:41:00.007+11:00

Your gift gives 200 children the certainty of a life without polio, a major injection of goodwill. Causing kids serious paralysis, the aftermath of Polio will last a lifetime. Polio is a highly contagious viral infection, and prevention via vaccination is the best solution. UNICEF is the leading provider of vaccines for children in this world and your gift will support our work towards a world without polio.

merry x'mas to everyone.
share love. :)

2011-10-29T13:54:00.001+11:00

if you were in my life before, you would know why i couldn't let it go.
it's part of me. you couldn't ask me to let go of myself.

and i couldn't ask you to. too.

handle with care

2011-10-29T13:23:00.004+11:00

things break. no matter how careful you're.

if you do not know that you're saying the right thing to the right person, you shouldn't say anything. when people say that you should tell and they will listen, what they mean is that you should tell what they want to listen - or do not tell what they don't want to listen.

things break.
handle with care.

no matter how hard you try or how careful you are, you could never stop hurting people - or yourself.

2011-10-28T18:57:00.002+11:00

In Form 1, we used to play "hamburger" together. It's a little game we ever invented - or not - and we even played in front of the seniors during librarian board's one-day camp.

In Form 2, we scratched our heads to come up with the idea of putting Cadbury candies into garnished ceramic potteries, for sold during the bi-annual canteen day. I even suggested to gave them out as prizes or souvenirs in the librarian's welcoming party to boost the sale, and that - was our first ever experience as programmers.

You lost the money the day before the carnivorous event, and we went around the entire school for a search. To find our efforts back. You called that night, nearly 10 o'clock, and I told you that you had all my support for those ideas that you tried to compensate for the sum. I folded stars while watching 'Shanghai Knight' screened on TV3. The plan turned out better than anticipated, and we luckily had the whole sum back. We were little, back then. All of our mind was concentrated on how to outrun other booths in the class by gaining the largest share of profits.

In previous year, we did our presentation pretty well on one of the human's organ systems and Pn. Chew promoted us to take part in the science-expo presentation held in conjunction with the Co-curriculum Day. We're the only ones in junior year and we did the topic on brain. No one gives a crap about the nervous system and its synapses at that age, yet we pulled off the whole presentation in only a few hours. In fact, for 3 years, we chit-chatted in science laboratories when the teacher was at the front scribbling on the black board.

In Form 3, after the PMR examination, Mrs. Ling sent both of us into an inter-club floral art competition. We took the second place and 30 bucks, by luck.

In Form 4, we took lead of the many programmes in the societies we joined. We failed, we got scolded and mocked; we succeeded, we shed tears of joy. We went on a trip to Sekinchan in August that year, and we were the ones in charge of the group-singing session. I remembered, that you fell asleep on the bus with the Coke can. I took it over and your head fell on my shoulder for an hour. We danced and practiced the dancing with sign language - signs that we ingeniously created.

Later that year, we had our first librarian's training camp in the board's history. We slept beside each other at the stage of Mother Pauline Hall. We talked. On the last afternoon, I dragged you into the sharing circle, because I know that you wanted to resist your tears by staying out of it. Standing beside me, you squeezed my palm, you shared, and you cried. I cried, we all did. That was the first time I saw you crying.

* * *

During senior years, we decided to take geography, accountancy and Chinese literature in addition to the compulsory 11 subjects of SPM. Pn. Yong told us to give up on geography and take accountancy instead, and we did. About 7 of us took accountancy and at the end, we all gave up due to overwhelming study load, including me - excluding you.

You succeeded. The day Ms. Cheong handed over our results slip, you were surrounded by reporters. I was weeping at a corner. Later I heard from a friend that you dared not to approach me. I never know why. Just like how I didn't say anything the night when JPA results were released - when I was on the list and you were not. We never talked about that. There was once a cadet reporter asked us - or ask me - whether we were academic competitors in school or not since we are best friends. We didn't answer.

You might not be the closest friend. We don't share secrets, nor unhappiness. We don't talk aloud, and we don't talk about stuffs. We back up each other. Just as simple as that.

We did things together.
We compete, together.

Be a great doctor. Like I always know you will.

weight

2011-10-26T10:17:00.002+11:00

You placed an empty bottle on the floor, the wind blew, and it fell.
You blew a balloon up with helium gas, you untied it from your wrist, and it flew away.

Burden keeps you standing still
from falling apart.

equivalent exchange

2011-10-24T20:47:00.002+11:00

I got all attached to an animation - Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood - and I'm writing this down because I'm scared that I will forget. And I will, after written down.

i pulled myself out back to the reality. u can do that too, with glances over your previous life. As much as you have realized, I was a better person. I was a better person before, without having to go through hell. My mind was in a better shape.

I believe in equivalent exchange, even before I know a thing about alchemy. When you lost something, you are gonna gain it back in some other forms.

I lost a lot this time, but I have not had the feeling that I've gained anything back. May be the time has yet to come. May be in life, not every sacrifice will count to a reward.

Or may be, I've not lost anything.
It's just that I'm sure I was a better person.

immunization

2011-10-24T19:45:00.005+11:00

I have not cried yet. Since the night that I've made the decision, I didn't cry anymore - until last night, because we thought, I thought that I've untied the knot, but it got all swelled up instead.

We studied science. In junior biology classes, we studied about human senses in the introductory chapters. If you ever read across lines on olfactory receptors, you will know that the scent of a stimulus stops after awhile. The smell does not vanish into thin air, but the receptors stop sending the same impulse to the brain.

I always have wondered in senior year later on, may be it is applicable to emotions too.

When you grieve over something over and over again, you might quit grieving at some point. If you listen to the same music that tickle your emotions so many times that you've finally got fed up of it, you won't cry anymore.

You're immunized.

So I come up with the conclusion that if you're constantly in pain - or make yourself to endure through a continuous hell of pain - you will not feel it anymore eventually. In science, that's how immunization is supposed to work.

doubts

2011-10-07T21:04:00.004+11:00

I quit architecture. it took me an entire month to finally make up my mind. It took me another month to choose science over arts - even when i know that the former isn't always my strength, and I totally hate mathematics - before i lodged the application. So, I'm gonna try like hell next year for the junior units.

I was always clear with my own stand, my own place - the place where i should be positioned at. I was.

May be my interests are broad, but superficial. May be I'm just average, or less than it. May be these are all life is about. I've said this before. I'm grateful, but I'm not happy, and I can't. Not at this moment. Don't ask me why, because this is instantly-induced. That is what you feel.

I'm grateful that I'm alive, and the only way to show that I'm, is to contribute to the community when I've the ability to, at any levels. which is also why i chose science over arts, at least it's worth the try - to struggle in hell again.

May be the world isn't sick, may be I am instead.

today

2011-09-02T19:46:00.007+10:00

today is the day i feel secure.
and happy. after the arrival of my birthday's parcel.
8 birthday wishes, a bag tag and a postcard from HK and a custom-made Disney notebook.

great friends. i'm blessed. thank you. :)

first cheese cake.
that had melted before the b'day girl even blew out the candles.
take good care of yourself if you want to take good care of others.

Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf zahir batin. :)
haven't seen linda for almost a year.
besides movies, music and photos, people are reminders.

at last...
here come the ipod shuffle(s) i ordered for sis and bro.
i wanna be a sister who can give, rather than being one who get to receive.

yes, i feel good today.
just let me feel so, because i seldom do.

in life...

2011-08-29T19:12:00.003+10:00

it just sucks.
to walk alone.
through every street.

and exhausted.

2011-08-22T08:32:00.002+10:00

at the age of 20, i want to get a blade over my wrist.
and slice it open.

but i haven't done so.
i can blame the God
as long as i didn't cut it.

because if i do,

i've only myself to blame on.

can you make me not feel so, horrible?

2011-08-19T08:54:00.005+10:00

it feels so horrible when you fall sick. even more horrible when it turns rainy all day and the temperature made a sudden drop to 10 degree celcius. you're flaming with your frozen limbs, and all the panadols that you've taken do not work. no more food and available internet data at home, but there's pushy deadline.

you can't sleep anymore. your throat and eyes are burning. it's too warm under the blanket with three layers of garments. and you need to force yourself up to do work that you hate, with running nose and dry coughs that might never seem to end.

it feels so horrible when you fall sick.
even more horrible during winter.
when no one is here.

can i not feel so, horrible?

2011-08-06T08:31:00.002+10:00

I'm having questions.

How did i come to this stage? Why did i?
What can i do? and what should i do?

after coming back, i didn't binge on food. i didn't get into temper when i have to do models. may be i'm more patient now, or may be not. i wasn't thinking of anything most of the time. It was pitch dark when i was cutting the box board into pieces and folding my work from the sculpture studio.

i told the psychologist that i don't hate my course, which frankly, i really don't. i am tired, and i'm scared. the reason of me being blank all this while is to get myself out, from the tears. emotionally detached. whenever i try to induce thoughts, i will cry. whenever i try to talk about it, the tears start streaming down.

i can get to the GP yesterday, but i postponed. part of me doesn't want to consult a doctor if he is trying to suggest me anti-depressants. i don't take drugs or hormonal controller, whatever you call it. i'm not having a depressive disorder.

i just need a solution. i need to get out of the box.

when i get out of the box, when i can stand at where you're standing now, i know all these are not as intense as they are felt now. when i am 30 or 40 later, when i'm not clogged in there anymore, i can tell you what you're telling me now.

i need to get out of the box, but i couldn't. because i'm in the box.
i'm in. there.

2011-07-29T09:03:00.003+10:00

It hasn't been a week and everything has begun to fall in an immense down-slide. I am in the mid-way of giving up. it needs more courage than i have, to discontinue at this stage, but needs even more to continue.

I do not know how far away the end is, if there's one.
i wake up everyday and tell myself in the mirror that i shouldn't cry. i must stop crying. it is debilitating me. i couldn't possibly do anything in tears, but they don't listen to you.

i really want to quit this. right away.

2011-07-27T17:50:00.002+10:00

you just don't understand.
why am i expecting someone could?
because no one got fitted in my shoes.

2011-07-22T20:59:00.003+10:00

it's amazing how fast people can vanish from your sight.
a moment ago, they're still laughing and snapping photos with you.
but they're gone now.

Remembrall

2011-07-12T18:54:00.005+10:00

A glass ball filled with a white smoke
deepens to a red hue when you've forgotten something.
a Remembrall can be as much a blessing as a curse seeing
it won't tell you exactly what you've forgotten.

2011-07-05T15:35:00.003+10:00

i want to go back to Sydney.
because there's an excuse.

you can throw a great hell of temper because you're in sydney.
because of the workload. because of everything that makes you unhappy.
but you can never do any of this at home.
you could, but you shouldn't have.

That's what everybody tells you.
because it makes them feel better.
but you're unhappy.

2011-07-05T14:51:00.003+10:00

you thought you can go back to who you once were,
but you were wrong.

we never could.

That couldn't be reversed. Do you really think by going back to where you once were, you could switch back just like that? If you do, just blow it away. you can never un-do something that you have done, in life. you hate yourself, so much that you don't want to look into the mirror anymore.

So, what? What can you do? what can you possibly do?
Nothing. at all.

Stop trying to understand and to help.
because obviously, it doesn't work.
you might want to waste your time on something worthier.

2011-06-29T19:23:00.003+10:00

Between home and gathering, i chose to go home.

i looked at their snapshots. part of me wanted to be there. when i choose to miss a trip, i know what i will miss. there will be a blank. something i dun have which everybody has in common. i will be absent on the common page. i'm not jealous nor envious. i'm not even unhappy. when i reject something, i know what i will be not having.

given the choice to re-decide,
between home and gathering, i will choose to go home.

instinctive reflex

2011-06-27T10:34:00.002+10:00

i didn't purposely do that.

i tot there will be an insurmountable lot of reading, TV and shopping. i will be eager to meet my friends and throw them the best farewell party ever. it was supposed to be happening. supposed to.

this morning, i woke up having the idea of celebrating birthdays like what we did in previous years. it flashed and disappeared. my courage to load on any more unnecessary disappointment have been drained off. i dun make decision on anything nor crack open any extraordinary ideas from my brain, not anymore.

Instinctive reflex
it is an automatic instinctive unlearned reaction to a stimulus.
so you know that
i didn't purposely do that.

insecure

2011-06-26T22:06:00.003+10:00

Insecure people do things to make themselves FEEL secure. Reasonable and unreasonable. It's not your fault that they feel insecure. It's certainly not their fault for feeling so. It is the reason why we are constantly looking for something, unknown.

When we fail,
we stop looking.
and stop others from looking
for us.

it's only secure when you lock something
in a safe deposit box.

victory

2011-06-22T23:03:00.003+10:00

when everyone tells you that he didn't treat you special, that you're just as ordinary, that he's kind to everyone, you want to cry. you want to protest. you want to tell them that they're wrong... but you can't. because they're most probably correct. you're no one.

so, i want to hold onto something.
i want to be good.

i want to be someone to myself.
when i am no one to you.

to you

2011-06-22T13:27:00.002+10:00

i can lie to everyone.

but i won't tell myself
that i don't care
when i still do.
even you don't.

i will lie to you.

girls'

2011-06-20T20:53:00.004+10:00

when you have nothing to cling on,

you will step back and find an alternative.
to concentrate on.

so,
be appearance-conscious.
stop stuffing.

universal

2011-06-19T14:19:00.002+10:00

when you hate someone,
you reckon that they're important to you.
when you hate something?
not necessary.

for you to turn unimportant...
i will not hate you.

understanding

2011-06-19T10:42:00.003+10:00

You can be happy for someone else's good fortune, but that doesn't mean you forget your own bad luck.
-- J.Picoult

It's alright to be not alright, instead of telling yourself that it's fine and nothing. You didn't ask me to change, but you disapprove of my current being. For the second time, it failed. i failed. Everyone is suffering, but the fact couldn't stop my tears. I didn't give up, because i'm not even qualified to say so.

I dun like to lose. Starting from elementary school until the freshman year in college, i never lose, not until now. i dun mind being labeled. That's what keep me going, when i couldn't think of any other reason to get myself fueled. i was brought up in such an environment that trained me so.

i did this. continue doing this. for my parents.
and myself. i will not lie to myself anymore.
i will not change for your sake.
if you're worth it, i naturally will.

2011-06-07T22:02:00.001+10:00

when there's nothing that i can do,
i let go.
i'm letting go now.

:')

2011-06-01T12:11:00.005+10:00

I will not give up. If i can struggle through this, I can go on.
Though the feeling of inferiority didn't fade away, it is okay.

IT's ALRIGHT. cheers. :')

People who really love you do not care. whether you're standing on top of the world, or at the bottom.

People who really know you do not care. because they know exactly who you're and what you can do.

after portfolio

2011-05-31T23:42:00.004+10:00

These two weeks were an incredible nightmare where there were no proper sleep and diet. It's all over now, after the submission of the two portfolios yesterday and this morning. Credit for both subjects - a grade that I don't know should be glad of or to cry on. As far as i know, it's only me getting credit in communications in the whole group. This was the first time I struggled in studies, where i spent, apparently, my whole life in the course and cried so much along the way, but i didn't cry this time.

I'm sad, but I didn't cry.
... just realized. a lot of things. :')

ps: went to VIVIDlight Festival at Circular Quay with Mei Lian tonight. Simply awesome. :)

i'm still waiting...

2011-04-30T23:32:00.003+10:00

i'm still waiting...

... for the day to come. when i enjoy what i am doing now.
... for myself to be awakened. to regain the writing and consoling skills.
... for my eyes to see again what i once saw but can't see now.
... for myself to be myself again.

understand

2011-04-22T10:49:00.000+10:00

studylog9239.blogspot.com

-less

2011-04-21T20:56:00.002+10:00

and there comes the time when you have innumerable to spit out, but you can't.
because there's no point saying it out anymore.

want to tell you...

2011-04-10T18:35:00.003+10:00

it's alright.
to be afraid. to feel upset.
it's okay to cry. :')

morning.

2011-04-03T06:49:00.002+10:00

i woke up.
1/2 an hour gone. and i'm still wrapped under the quilt.
it's not a good morning.
i wonder. will there ever be one?
as long as it's in the semester.

still, i like drawing, despite of all the confinements now.
it's fun making models and playing with colours.
but everything is quartered when it comes to deadlines.

care. less.

2011-04-02T08:06:00.003+11:00

when you do, usually the outcome is way better than you've supposed it to be.

because you have nothing to lose.
simple mathematics. only gain.
much. or little.

care. but not too much.
until you feel sick about it.

tell me.

2011-04-01T07:41:00.002+11:00

I have come to Usyd. with the government's sponsorship.
I dun need to pay anything, yet have a generous allowance of $1200 every month.
I dun need a job to cover up my fees. I've new laptop, new camera, new phone...
I've my tutor praising my drawings and showing others.
I've another group's tutor telling me that i've had a good site model.

why am i so not happy? because i'm applying pressure to myself, like i always do. i couldn't accept failures. because i'm so not used to create something to please you, but i've to. and i did. because it is a feeling. so you can never lie to yourself. even though you successfully convince others.

stucked

2011-03-31T22:07:00.003+11:00

Do people need a string of reasons to cry?
Apparently, I don't. It just flows. Endlessly.
I'm in a mess. the messiest ever.
call me annoying or ungrateful.
do u really think that i will care anymore?
you're absolutely right.
people like me do not deserve anything.

tears.

2011-03-31T19:58:00.002+11:00

what can i do? i've lost my words.
it just repeats. every day. every night. every weekend.
this is the first time. i hope something will end.
sooner than i've expected.

positivity

2011-03-30T19:32:00.001+11:00

why didn't you stay longer?
I don't want to cry anymore.
... but it just started. again.

life

2011-03-25T21:21:00.003+11:00

The most important thing in life - be happy.
And... you don't need to be successful to be happy.
Just. Live well.

I always believe that God decides what's the best for us.
.. If there's a rewind this time, I'm sorry.
I would have chosen others.
Though it means that I'll lose something that I'm having now.

evidence

2011-03-13T14:16:00.002+11:00

is life getting tougher?
or me turning weaker?
or both?

you've no idea how many times i've tried to convince myself before it doesn't work anymore. because i can't picture my life. i can't see what lies in front.

i'm forgetful. if you don't show up occasionally, i'll lose track of you.
and myself. obviously, i do now.

pulling out

2011-03-11T22:30:00.003+11:00

when stressing up and grumbling or even crying do not work, you'll try another way to convince yourself. Detach from the emotions - and you're officially feelingless now. Certainly, it's beneficial in meeting deadlines when your brain is wrecked.

2011-03-09T19:44:00.002+11:00

... do not remember how many days it has been. i'm just certain of this - i hate myself more.

i'm ungrateful, because there are people far worse than me. i'm useless, as i keep on grumbling. endlessly. i'm sorry, if i don't do so, i'm going to break down in near future. you're wondering the reasons, but i couldn't tell. i have just the same answer - i don't know.

i'm a weakling. that's perhaps, the only proper reason. or excuse.
now there are buildings and tears. and lies.

anxiety. unwrapped.

2011-03-03T13:15:00.003+11:00

I need someone here.

A real human being. whom i could fall upon.
or falling together with me when i do. it doesn't matter.
you don't have to do anything.
i just want you to be here. to chase away my insecurity.
*i miss my family* kind of.

multi-perspective

2011-03-03T07:50:00.002+11:00

We have sides. And we used to be judgmental with no skills at all, or may be being so doesn't require someone to be skillful. It's a norm, is it not?

We only see the side that people intend to show. You never know who will be crying over you at late nights or cursing you at your back when you turn your heels around and stride away.

I like to collect stories. Because when you tell, you can hardly act at the same time. Yes, you still can if you far above the par. You're a master at it. Stories bring your hidden self to surface, and always the true self, which i'm more interested to unmask.

what do you see now?

life

2011-02-24T23:05:00.000+11:00

pain. and tears.
excluding no one.

speechless

2011-02-24T22:43:00.002+11:00

I've much to say, yet there's nothing to be said.

stupid as ever

2011-02-08T19:36:00.004+11:00

it sprinted past - that i want to turn bad.
i want to be mean. and arrogant.
into a bitch.

2011-02-08T17:05:00.000+11:00

gentle reminder:
do not rely on anyone.

farewell

2011-02-01T01:23:00.003+11:00

these girls are awesome. they even blind-folded me to the pasta house after getting me into the car confusingly. they threw a surprise farewell party for me before i depart for aussie.
everything was simple, nice and natural. just like old times.

my presents.
thanks for everything you gals did.
loves. :)

post-it note

2011-01-31T12:09:00.002+11:00

end of this year.
when we come back to m'sia again.

i need to claim a promise from someone.
pls remember that.

chronic

2011-01-30T14:58:00.003+11:00

we never know how far we can go.
we never know how much pain we can endure.

only that we thought that we always know.
i always thought that i'm good in it.
actually i'm not.
want to cry now.

reasons...

2011-01-29T20:53:00.003+11:00

Reasons that draw us back from letting everything out:

-- we do not trust others.
-- we do not wish to trouble them.
-- we do not want to be weak and useless.
.... there might be another underlying reason that we don't realise.
we are afraid that after telling, it makes no difference.
we are afraid that no one ever concerns after you tell.
and we can no longer make up an excuse for them.

2011-01-29T20:44:00.002+11:00

when you're sick, you're weak - in any ways.
and when you've no one, you can't afford to be weak.
i wish i will never fall sick.

prolonged pain...

2011-01-29T16:15:00.002+11:00

silly tummy.
hate fighting with the pain
which i can't stand with.

2011-01-22T13:29:00.001+11:00

we've got only one pair of hands.
you've to put this down
before taking another up.

2011-01-22T13:27:00.001+11:00

"If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely."-- Tuesday with Morrie.

2011-01-22T13:05:00.001+11:00

Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't.

You take certain things for granted,
even when you know you should never take anything for granted.

2011-01-22T11:40:00.005+11:00

have to be grateful being a scholarship recipient.
if not, i don't know where i'll be now.
and there's nothing to be afraid of. :)
若是缘再苦味也是甜

this is life...

2011-01-22T01:58:00.005+11:00

just an old habit of mine. if i tell you i'm afraid again. i didn't really look forward to uni life or the idea of living abroad, i'm just glad. you would doubt that when i said it in this way.

the sense of gratitude, albeit deep, does not wipe away the fear which is knotting inside. this time, i will be dealing well - if there are these circumstances again.

i noticed the changes.
i'm sorry that it has changed.
as i moved on.

i love life, still. thanks for everything given.
i'm gonna accept it if it's meant to be here.
feelings aren't something that i can or i want to control.
it doesn't work. on me.

home...

2011-01-17T20:26:00.004+11:00

alone. listening to songs.
until i fell asleep. with the music around me.
until i woke up. with only... the music around me.
with it waking me and the inner conscious up.
with it calling memories home.

went away...

2011-01-17T18:17:00.003+11:00

when i read them, why did i feel a light spasm of pain?
do u ever realise? no. you don't. because i show no signs.
i didn't whinge about it. i didn't say anything.
just staring at the still air. intangible. blank.

changes...

2011-01-16T18:21:00.004+11:00

sitting there with my back leaning against the glass and my eyes staring blankly at the sky. cloudless, i still remember, and it looked as if it was going to rain really soon, but it didn't at the end. things do not always turn out to be what they seem might be. i wonder... what would happen after a year - how different things would be?

but i know this - we shared something in common before. you might forget who i'm. but it's better that you forget me before i do.

masterpieces

2011-01-16T01:41:00.007+11:00

a mode of expression

with vibrant colours.
a derivation of landscape art.

this is a free-hand. i love painting in a way which is unbound to any restrictions. i love life, if it exactly fits in. but the rise and fall aren't something at my fingertips. i detest it - the omnipresence of rules and regulations. forgive me for my intransigence and immaturity. while i still can whip my mask off - at a steady frequency - please allow me to do so.

.....

2011-01-11T22:39:00.003+11:00

when i wake up, everything will be fine.
sometimes, it isn't...

when you get out of the bed with some torn bits of memories
or random pieces of nightmares
that you do not actually expect.